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last days being a teen No, 32

Unfortunately I only have a few more weeks of my teenage years ahead of me. This is horrifying. When I realized this I genuinely froze. Where did the time go?

I immediately went to my friend Elle's room to just be with her in this time of need. I didn't know if I was gonna cry, laugh, be depressed, or go on to have the best few weeks of my life. Elle helped me out a little by saying that nothing really changes its just a number and the best are yet to come, but then we also realized that every birthday from here on out just gets worse and worse because we're just that much closer to dying which isn't a happy thought. But she ended up leveling me out by saying this: I had a teenage love, which most people don't have, and I basically had a whole career, which most people also don't have by this age.

She was right. I lived it up that's for sure. I had an amazing high school sweetheart that even turned into a college cutie too, 2.5 years and it was pretty great. We don't really talk anymore but I'll always love him one way or another. And better yet, debatably, I had an entire career. I published a website (this thang) that has over 12,000 views and a tiny instagram that has hundreds of likes and comments from just people in my life supporting my passion at the time. That's pretty great. I was my club's soccer captain, my high school's lacrosse and my high school's ski team captain after just one year of being on the team, I was a proctor on my floor for freshman, I was a head tour guide, I lived in both Paris and New York by myself for a bit, I snuck into Paris Fashion Week, I was the head of my high school's fishing club, I played a season of ice hockey and a season of squash, I only broke a tiny bone in my body but nothing major, I made friends all over the world, I had a few different summer jobs, I learned how to get over stupid boys and petty girls, I learned how to find my style, I learned how to be nicer to my family, I got over points of my life where I genuinely didn't know which way was up or down, I avoided the prison life of vaping unlike many people I know, I went out in Mexico and came back alive somehow, I left the country for the first time by myself for a Shakespeare acting workshop even though I was just the backstage costume dresser, I made some money and learned how to spend it, I got myself into college, I got a 33 on the ACT after barely studying and getting a 12 on the science section my first time around, I failed a few classes but also got my first A not so long ago, I redesigned my room many times, I mapped out my future life even more times, and nothing went too horribly wrong in these past few years really.

Things could have been better for sure, I really didn't have very many friends for months and months in high school (and even less in middle school but those weren't my teenager years so irrelevant detail), and my grades were pretty shit for a while there, but hey, I'm here with a smile on my face and that's pretty great.

I would say here's to the next decade, but I'm kinda in the sense that I would rather say here's to the next day. I get to be a teenager for today and tomorrow, and a few more after that. Then I get to be 20. I have no idea what that'll be like but there's nothing I can do about it. But I will say this: I've lived life in the backseat before, I've lived life in the passenger's seat, and I've lived life in the driver's seat. From here on out, I"m gonna live life in the bed of the truck. I could be the one driving and making all the decisions or I could be the one one seat over watching it all happen with my hand out of the window. But I choose to look out at the world, think about it, talk about it, and write about it. It's pretty out there. I want the wind in my hair, but not from the window, from the lack of a roof. Nothing comes in-between me and the stars this time around. Nothing comes between me and my inner self, sitting back and enjoying the ride. In the bed, life moves fast but you get to jump out whenever you want. If I land hard it'll suck, and I might have to sprint as fast as I can to catch up, but at least I'll know what it was like to take a leap.

I'm not sure any of this makes sense, and it might make for a lazy, unmotivated, unproductive life. But to me, all I can think about is enjoying the ride without a seatbelt and without limitations on where or who I can be. I want to be free but keep moving forward. I just want to be me.

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